Well Rested

I decided to leave much of the technology in the bag over the weekend and attempt not to do any work at all. Yes, I’ll admit I checked my email and answered a couple of them but other than that, I think I was well rested.

After convincing myself that I don’t have to bring that bulky ass camera of mine along, I walked/ jogged the newly opened Dairy Farm Nature Park alone on a breezy Saturday afternoon and I think the Singapore Quarry is now one of my favourite places here. At the moment, I can’t think of anything I like more than that place.

There were these water plants that grew airborne fluffy seeds so i cupped a pinch of them in my hands and blew into them. They swiveled around a bit and then escaped into the wind. It was really nice. I kept thinking about how nice it was to do a wedding shoot here. I do miss taking pictures, editing them and having them put up.

It was really hard to leave that place and trudge back through the trail again. I know I’ll be back but I don’t know when.

I also got to spend some time with the car with a wash and a wax and it left me quite tired. But I like waxing the car… somewhat… It feels really good. Really satisfying. Then I went shopping with the mum.

The purse was displeased with me. But it can be placated at the end of the month.

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An Update (Because I’m not sure when I’ll do one again)

I celebrated my 27th birthday with my favourite human beings.

I have a new drive. But I smashed it last week on a Malaysian who decided to jam brake on the expressway.

I graduated. The ceremony was a farce. This is one of the nonsense photos i took and it delighted me more than the proper ones.

But I'm not complaining. Well maybe... just the fatigue...

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Saturday Vroom Vroom

Go Karting in JB! Yeah… (Too tired to write a proper introduction, so I’ll just write the captions.)

Yeah I was too tired and lazy to bring my huge ass camera as well so I made use of my quad cam app to do these Lomo-like shots. Quite nice right?

These two cam whored so much with my phone, I had to delete super a lot of their pictures off it. Where got boys so vain one.

Sterling auditioning for a open-the-box game show host position on The Price is Right

Hey where's Ron Ron, I thought I saw him sitting on one of these chairs earlier.

Here's the winning strategy: Don't tighten the helmet strap too much so that later when Kris the pest cuts into my path, i can quickly fling off my helmet and throw it into his head. Aim straight for the eye.

I like this top man! Makes me look slim. Hur hur hur.

Kris, Ron and I went for three rounds on the circuit while Ghimz and Ster went for just two "because I'm not feeling well" and to "save money". This go kart i was on was really good but I sucked as a driver. I spinned out THREE times in ten minutes - super embarassing.

But I'm not the only one who spinned out. Hehehe. Mental note for next go kart trip: take karts 17, 18 and 19 for the fastest drives but gotta have a better feel of the brakes to stop spinning out of control!

A trip of Malaysia can never be complete without good seafood.

Kris is making Gummy very happy under the table.

Bubai!

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Not So Rested

Sunday should be a day of recuperation and much of my Sunday today was spent just doing that. I woke up late, read the papers, watched Top Gear, ate ice cream with my bro and watched more telly.

But it was hard not to think about work and the immense amount of effort required to get things done. I now look forward to and dread the week ahead all at the same time.

And I thought to myself, how nice it would be to have someone to snuggle up to at the end of the day. Yes, I am indulging in self pity again.

I feel physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. In fact, it’s probably the last one that’s aggravating the other two.

How long does it take for emotions to evolve and have a callus grown around it?

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Late Nights

I didn’t take into account the possibility of late nights and unpaid OT hours with the new job and it’s been just slightly tough dealing with this in the past week and this.

But it’s about time I get used to this nonsense anyway – it’s part of the rat race. There were moments I reckon that holding a cigarette is the only way to clear the mind and give me some me time to think and breathe.

I have not succumbed yet.

But the dark side is strong.

There’re plenty of fun but overdue photos residing in my external hard disk drive. But I’m just too preoccupied with other matters of my life to care at this point in time.

I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I can’t think. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired…

There has been no warm and caring voice at the other end of the phone line for a while now. The nights are depressing. But fortunately, the tiredness embraces sleep quickly.

Goodnight.

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But I Am Still Pathetic

I still find myself staring at his MSN nick and willing him to send through a message. Any message. Even if it’s one of him breathing.

I still check my phone every half an hour – and feel disappointed if there’s no message from him. I will read through our past conversations for the umpteenth time when the silence gets too much to bear.

I check my emails obsessively. It doesn’t make sense. If he’s not willing to spend time to throw up a one liner or two over MSN or over the phone, what makes you think he’ll throw up an essay through email. But I check my emails all the same.

This is obsessive behaviour. I will wean myself off this. I know I will.

In the meantime, now’s a great time to indulge in ice cream.

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This Should Be Over

It would have been easy in the first week – if I was determined enough to walk out of this relationship. Just dust off my bum, up and go.

In the second week, the gravity makes it a little harder.

In the fourth week, the gravity becomes stronger than your determination.

In the sixth week, it is like tearing skin from flesh.

Yesterday, I found out it is like ripping out your fingernails.

True, I wanted the exit but it doesn’t make things easier for me. To be sure, I felt zero guilt from leaving. The pain came more from why couldn’t the relationship work. What did I do or not do to make this a failure? [I have realised from past relationships that heaping the blame on the other party is futile, it is always, always, easier to make yourself change than to hope for the other party to change]

But I think i’ve tried and adapted as much as possible to where I’ve gotta draw limits.

Yet, must limits be drawn? I think they have to be. If you know what you want and you want it hard enough, you have a clearer picture of what to reject and what you should pursue. What you get eventually may not be what you want but at least it’s closer to what you do want. I can deal with less than ideal. I can’t deal with falling severely short from less than ideal.

This is not what I want.

I would rather be content being with myself.

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The Bangkok Post

The trip to Bangkok over the weekend felt like a rush rush affair – at least for Ron and I, so much that when the day came to take our flight, it really felt like another day in Singapore.

Fortunately, things did get better after we got to the hotel. Ivy and Sheryl got there a day earlier. So I took the opportunity to rap sharply on their hotel room’s door and was warmly welcomed by a lovely expletive from a highly annoyed Ivy with a bad out of bed look. I love my friends.

Oh, look at the two lovely Thai lizards mating. Ron fought to keep a serious look to keep his erection down. This is probably the only nice spot in Bangkok Boutique Hotel. The kids and I are not particular about where we stay considering we'll be out of our rooms most of the time. Besides, it was really just a weekend trip.

Sheryl's a lightbulb between the couple who has decided to wear tops of similar colour. The weather is stifling, hot - bah, nothing us Singaporeans haven't experienced.

In times of distress, Ivy and Ronald combines and transforms into a pink Thai taxi. *cue Transformers sound effects*

We commute mostly by train. It's convenient and the stations are close to where we wanna go. Ivy insisted we put on our masks in crowded areas. She said she's too famous to fall sick.

"Ivy, why you never drive today. See now, we have to squeeze with the rest! What if someone squeezes my tits, how?!"

Ah... the lovely Bangkok traffic. Cars inch along leisurely and everybody breathes in lovely fresh fumes.

At Platinum plaza, Ivy announced loudly she needed to shit. Sheryl handed her her entire tissue box. Ivy must have a huge asshole to clean.

Bundles of real hair by the kilos for sale. Sheryl secretly wanted to have these long tresses in her undies.

"No Sheryl, I'll refuse to go swimming with you if you insist on having long pubic hair sticking out of your swimming suit."

100 baht for a Tuk-tuk ride. We insisted on having our friendly driver to cam whore with us.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking CB 1. I think I am, CB 2.

Then the man insisted we give him one of our numbers so that he can come ferry us around Bangkok. Siao! We prefer our metered drives. The first day was really productive for me. I did quite a bit of shopping but I probably overdid it. I didn't really enjoy my first day at BKK.

It got too difficult handling a huge camera while hauling shopping buys, swiping the brow and dealing with perspiration down unmentionable body parts. So you guys will have to deal with more pictures of us on the train. The night before, we visited the infamous Thai Girl show (other people call it Tiger show but I suspect its a phonetic mistake. 'Thai Girl show' makes more sense than 'Tiger Show') at Patpong. It was incredibly depressing. We got bored after a while and began to amuse ourselves by drawing similarities from one of the girls to one of our school mates. "<insert coursemate's name> is damn hardworking! She kept dancing lah!"

Ivy wanted a perpetual grin on herself. Sheryl obliged.

I was thinking - should Thai monks be given seats more out of reverence or out of a real need

Ivy is also too famous to eat street side food. It's a real pity. My salivary glands were activated at the sight of these fresh greens and basil leaves.

Mini custard puffs at the Chatuchak market. I've never heard of anybody who finished touring the entire weekend market. It was too big and too hot to. This is my second trip here and and I haven't even seen the pets section yet. Bah!

When in blue, Ivy and Ronald combines and transforms into a huge blue umbrella. *cues violent Transformers sound effects*

Cam whore Ron kindly offered to carry my camera and take the pictures instead. The true whore leapt out of him when he saw a mirror. He took a picture of himself. (But I gotta say - it's a good picture! I hope you like my cropping!)

Well yes, he did take pictures of us in Chatuchak. I like the slimming effect the lens had on my body. Hehehehehe.

The items on sale were a sight to behold. So were the people hawking the items.

I absolutely love pork. I will never be able to handle life as a Muslim. Look at that glistening glorious spread of meat!

We went from the slums of shopping to the air conditioned comfort of The Central. Ended up looking like a group of rural uncouth mainlanders carrying tonnes of formless plastic bags and - yup, squatting outside a posh dessert cafe...

... and damn proud of it too!

Later in the evening - 450 baht for a two hour Thai massage. We were happy bunnies after the kneading, cracking and rolls...

I was sniggering away during the massage because Ronald and his masseus were making so much noise! There were the 'Oofs' and 'Eorrghs' (a sound halfway between a burp and a vomit) that I couldn't ignore. I burst out giggling towards the end of the massage. So did Sheryl. Ivy just laughed along. She didn't know why we were laughing.

Oh my head, my poor head. What did she do to my head! 'Ooof'!

There were a few places we could have gone to for good food. But we were usually too hungry to travel by then so we just went to whatever was quickly available. I like having Sheryl's mum around. She watches out for us!

This is a bad picture but i want to be a good samaritan and put this up for the good of all Singaporean visitors to Bangkok. YOU HAVE TO COME HERE! ROUTE 66 AT RCA IS SO BLOODY AWESOME! There is too many eye candy around. The drinks are too affordable! The spirits inside your cocktail too generous! And the music... oh the music... And the DJ, they're too good. You come back home wanting to spit on the local clubbing scene. - This from someone who previously decided to wash her hands off clubbing i.e. yours truly. Route 66 totally revived my faith in good music and good fun.

Stepped outside for a breather after we visited the Thai band portion of Route 66. Even though we didn't understand a word of what the Thai songs are about, the songs sung and played were too catchy not to have fun wiggling to them. We decided some of the lyrics went something like "They call me leng zai" And i agree. The male singer was so hot! Totally droolworthy!

I think Ivy have better pictures than me. Her lumix cam is really quite awesome.

The endorphines from Route 66 lasted long after we reached our hotel.

I know I was still very happy. Some Thai guy spoke to me in Cantonese that went something like "where are you from" (or is it "where are you going") despite all the other Thai eye candies around. The Thai girls are all so hot. They have such beautiful features!

Still damn happy!

Sheryl waved her belt incessantly and insisted on Ronald touching her 'leng zai'.

Ronald totally ignored her. So Ivy and Sheryl took revenge trying to grab his 'leng zai'. I know the kids are damn tight but sometimes, we do get a bit too close for comfort.

Photo in the mirror - FAIL

The morning after. Ron and I fly back to Singapore. Ivy, Sheryl and mum stays on for another day of wild shopping. Ronald is happy with his Thai buys and shows off his Zoolander blue steel pout.

I wanna go back to Route 66 and wiggle with all these beautiful Thai clubbers.

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Waiting for the Next Black Swan

I was just thinking about how things must be getting better now considering that I’m back on talking terms with the brother and things are more or less sorted out with the boy. A part of me is still bracing for the emotional whacking that could come along tomorrow, next week or next month – it is so incredibly important for me to savour the present, the moment and not play out complicated scenarios of what could happen.

I know I’m completely capable of driving myself insane with anxiety and paranoia.

There is however a humongous gap in my life, just thinly shrouded by the past few busy days at work. Thing is, I will not be doing much after next week. Of course the idea of it bothers me but it doesn’t bother me enough to proactively remedy the situation. I have this really strong feeling that something’s gonna drop out of the sky so I feel really calm about the situation.

The last time I felt this way, something did drop out of the sky and it kept me happily preoccupied for the next 8 months – and of course it totally rendered all previous efforts to look for a working stint futile.

It makes me think about how sometimes you can plan and build a track to reach a certain goal in your life but if you’re meant to be doing something else, as what the cliche destiny dictates, you get derailed and thrown into something else instead. You don’t have a choice. You just take it and move on.

I wasn’t expecting my brother to speak to me again. I definitely wasn’t expecting a companion to drop into my life. The Black Swan Theory  best describes these two events in my life at the moment. Now I will need a third one.

I’m expecting one.

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Love is a Cancer

The old enemy is back.

I had unwittingly let love slip through my guards and even as I try to keep it out, the cancer seems to have taken root. Haven’t I just experienced the most contented, most stable part of my life spent in singlehood for the last one and a half years? Why should I want it, love, back again?

It seems that I had little choice in the matter. He hijacked my life and asked to be loved – simply because he loves me. There is little logic in his explaination. But love is a conniving little bastard. My protests were met on deaf ears and blind eyes. Objections disappear when he held my hands. I called for him to stop his charm offensives but I indulged greedily when he gives.

And now, the withdrawal symptoms begin. You can’t think of anything else but him. You produce sub standard work, you change your life’s routine, your bank account protests but all you can think of is how to make the damn person happy.

We had our first ‘argument’ yesterday. I know that feeling. I know it all too well. That emotional soreness and the weight it puts on every fucking aspect of your life. Now I’m numbed from doing anything productive. I only have the words of my mum and my chirpy office cleaning auntie ringing in my ears, “when fate arrives, you can’t run from it even if you want to.”

Is he The One? He might be, my body cells tell me so but I’m too cynical to judge now. Now I just want to be One – with myself. Give me back my life.

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